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gothic

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  1. Thanks for the encouragement. I do agree that drugs are the beginning of a lot of problems if I continue to use and I don't want that at all. My alcoholism is pretty much dependent on my anxiety (which I've had before I've ever drank anything, so I know it wasn't a -result- of drugs or alcohol) meaning I don't drink when I'm not nervous or depressed. So it's always been the med qualities of drugs and alcohol rather than the pleasure as far as my priorities had gone. Not sayin I didn't party but you know I haven't done anything harder than weed for a good amount of time now and I don't even smoke more than like two times a week (as opposed to waking up everyday and smoking, then after lunch, etc...) and don't seek it really like I used to. I'm so excited but my depression messes with me too damn much ya know? It's like I'm happy and my brain is like "Nuh uh ****, back in your corner!" and then I feel down again. Part of the reason I quit drugs is because I saw my friends get messed up too much for my liking and didn't want to hurt my family, right? So that's gonna be my reason to keep pushin (no, not selling silly!) on. I think my next thing is to go and try that thermal pigment stuff that covers blushing -specifically-. Who would have ever thought? So cool! Your Friend
  2. gothic

    Effexor

    It worked for me though I had no prescription. Totally numbs you up and you feel kind of like a zombie but there's no anxiety. Can make you sick to your stomach if you dose too high. Also, don't immediately come off of it.
  3. I agree with serenity. I'd get rid of the blushing, though it's a little easier to tame than it used to be.
  4. I used to say it would be better for me to face reality with a sober state of mind. To a point, I still have a feeling this might be the right way but when I think of the word 'right', I wonder what exactly I mean. I believe that sobriety might be the most pure state of mind, but in a survival sense, clouding one's mind can lead to comfort and peace from events that would normally trigger anxiety. There's a risk for dependence, sure. But is this not the same as prescription antidepressants? If you think that dependence on street drugs is bad, imagine a withdrawel from Effexor. That'll mess your world up way more than a night without popping an ecstacy. I've found that drug problems were much easier to manage with discipline, than FB ever would. Think about it, why are we still on this forum? It's because we are tormented by a problem we have not yet overcome. When I have used cocaine and other drugs, I -did- beat it. The burst of supernatural pleasure I'd never before experienced killed all my fears and inhibitions while leaving me my wit and logic. Too me, I cannot remember when I was not on coke or meth and I didn't accomplish something great, or lift something acting as a weight on my shoulders. I haven't used for a little more than a month (since 6-6-06 when I got kicked out of my apartment) but I just keep remembering that raw invincibility I had. I've quit though so I need to manage. But have you ever just decided something works that you never would have used to consider? For most guys, it'll be the makeup. I've had no problem using it, and after the confidence rush I got from drug use, I stopped over six months ago (I wore it for like three years). Now that I'm comin clean, the road gets rockier. Weird ain't it? I am about to get a prescription for Vic's (rec use) and either prozack or Effexor (med use) to help get off the worse sh**, ya know? Drugs have been so good to me, so quitting is hella hard. Damn I remember too many good times and it's killing me to say 'no' to the next hit. Your friend
  5. Yeah I see how drinking could really eff you up, but honestly I feel like the part of my life that was robbed from me (my social life) has been better when buzzed than when I wasn't. I no longer do coke and other hard drugs like meth and heroin, and I'm doing pretty well not smoking cigarettes anymore. I've stuck with pot (it makes me so damn chill and happy, I love everything about everything when high) and alcohol and try to avoid acid and shrooms when possible, considering my mental state sometimes. Don't get me wrong (and not that it makes it right) but when I say 'buzzed' I mean just loosened up after a little bit, not sloshed or tripping over my feet. A simple piece of gum after a bite to eat is more than plenty. I speak to others face to face easily, not worrying about my breath or face failing me. In fact, I remember when I had a -single- shot of vodka (and one line of coke) in my car and walked into work one night. Damn! I was fearless and working hardcore for like hours. Did I ever blush or even worry about it once? Hell no. I had no hangup about drugs and alcohol because they did wonders for me. Seriously, imagine giving up wearing makeup that you used to dream of never running out of! I haven't worn makeup for like 6 months. It's harder now that I'm cleaning up. Not being on anything is difficult and I feel way more tired and less motivated than my old binges made me feel. I used to feel and act invincible. My non-blushing friends envied me for being fearless. Nothing stopped me from getting what I want. And now I clean up and I feel like I'm being punished for not having hard drugs around me. I smoked crystal meth like a month ago for the final time before I quit and because it is a stimulant, I had so much motivation and got so many things done and spoke with my old property manager (I was recently kicked out for non payment of rent and because a few girls that came over beat up a neighbor of mine in a fight), and she and I had a great conversation and she dropped off two months of rent. I was in a euphoric, social state where I was always the host, at any party. God prayed to me. I'll be honest and say I miss that feeling of pure power and self-understanding. I've quit, but... OH MY GOD. Well, we'll see what happens in tonight's episode at work. If I go sober, wish me luck cause I'll need it. It's really hard for me right now and I feel exposed to the bad energy of the world right now. Thanks friends.
  6. Risky, I have the same issue at work. There's a girl I like and I have a hella hard time being open and it kills me. Whenever I go to work buzzin (I know it's horrible) I can spit game a lot easier and actually say some wild sh** and catch her off her guard, ya know? The way guys usually get girls, by being the one to approach and talk first. Two hours into work when my buzz fades, the magic is lost. The last thing I want is to contribute to anyone's negligence, but have you ever imagined the outcome of maybe a shot or two worth of vodka before seeing this temptress of yours? Betcha wouldn't turn red then. I bet you could make her turn red, mwa ha ha Only reason why I'd say this is because it's better than wanting to kill yourself and it is quite effective if you DON'T GET TOO EFFED UP! It's like a twisted game of blackjack, only with alcohol, employment and all the girls you have a crush on. Good luck anyways, I hope things go well for you. Hang in there and talk to me through PM if you want. I'd be down to share tales your friend
  7. After months of not being here on this forum (as much love as there is here ) I have started to question whether I am more socially anxious than depressed, or more depressed than socially anxious. And I've started asking myself if maybe all this blushing sh** is more mental than I might want to admit. Am I trying to remain a victim? I wish I knew for sure. But I think I've figured out I am manically-depressed. Ha ha, some posts would be like "oh, a new day. Oooh, that bird has such pretty feathers" and others it's like "I wanna die. Please kill me." So I'm thinking that I've already had manic depressive tendencies and then blushing became a strong (vicious would be a better word!) trigger for the depressive state and feelings. So now I get to deal with triggers of triggers! How wonderful, something will trigger my face to turn red and then -that- will trigger a 12-hour period of intense depression and suicidal urges. So that much is really horrible, but the positive part is that I no longer wear Almost Makeup and have been going to work, talking to people etc... Not blush-free, but better. Girls can still be a little tricky, but sometimes I can pull it off. recently, a girl I kinda like noticed (I think so at least) my face turn red a little and said "you look hot" and that's kinda a trigger moment, so I tried to turn around and walk away calmly right (which I did) but I just pray she wasn't watching my ears glow from behind for like five seconds as I walked away. Heh, maybe I'll get away with murder long enough to take her out or something. I don't know, my depressive state makes it hard for me to treat people warmly and happily like I so badly want from them. How can I smile when I am depressed and panicing worrying about turning red? I want to be calm, cool and 'the guy to be around'. I want to be CONFIDENT! So... badly. This sparked my alcoholism (bout to walk to the store and get an Olde English 40 baby yeah!) before I pass out again. I can totally talk to girls with a buzz, but I've reached my peak with girls and alcohol before I started getting a heavy tolerance. Now it's kind of a necessity and not so much as an awesomely-unfair advantage in my favor I miss that. So this girl at work right, I'll walk in and after sneaking a 24oz malt liquor and some bread to cover my breath, I'll be chin-up confident when I walk in. And everytime it's like I look her dead in the eye, smirk and she beams. So easy! Just a f***** look then I'll talk crap and make fun of her (in a nice way) in front of others and she'll be the quiet one. So now when the buzz is gone two hours later, I'll walk nervously past and she'll look over and I won't say anything and I end up feeling like a total ****. And that will put me in an upset mood, I'll see her again, and it's like every time she goes higher and higher up on a pedestal and seems so awesome in the eyes of my inferior self. So hot, so cool, so everything I am not. I've already been fired from a job I worked at for like four years because I was drunk at work. It was scarier for me to go sober because of my social anxiety. When ELSE could I go and laugh at people in their faces that used to say, "hey I can make his face turn red, watch everyone". They tried that when I was tipsy, and it was sooooo cool! I looked at them, smiled slowly and controllably and looked at everyone else, then proceeded to stare my accuser down, laughing at them. Everyone looked at them like they were dumb and random and they walked out of the breakroom embarassed. HA HA HA!!! So you can understand how I've come to love alcohol so much. I want to be buzzed (as opposed to full-on drunk) whenever I'm around this girl because then I could probably grab her by the arm and just end up in a f***** bathroom stall somewhere, instead of just blush like a little ****. How can she be attracted to me if I am such a pansy? Asnwer... she won't. And now I think I might run out of time if I don't numb myself up again in time. I'm only 21 and can feel my body begging me to let it alone. My head... well that's something else. I think it's just there for show now. Help bring me back to earth someone. I feel too alone and just floating away in the universe with no connection to anyone. I feel isolated in a very dark way. your friend
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